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Mood:
Emotional -
Playing: GTA IV
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Eating: Chocolate
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Drinking: Coke
I hate how it can just pop up and disrupt what i'm doing.
I was starting a new 'Draw something everyday' picture earlier, and it just popped up, stole my energy away and i'm left feeling lost...
I've been getting angry at people in the last few days and i've almost gotten angry at mum a couple times too :/
It's a illness i've had for almost 4 years, and i can't help what i feel sometimes, i can't stop it, i can't help but smile those fake smiles sometimes.
I've got purple bags under my eyes from the years of sleep deprivation and all those hours of crying i've done.
And in the last year or so, i don't think it's gotten any better...I've cried most of the nights i've spent in this terrible, cold and moldy house.
Mostly for mum cause i can't stand to see her cry for that asshole we're living with, and of course i've cried alot cause i can't stand it here, i just want to go back home and back like it used to be.
I'm ill from the mold in the house, my chest aches everyday, and it gets worse with emotional stress... my throat feels blocked most of the day, i've been on a few tablets to calm it down, but then they've brought on a cough and some flem too....And lately i was given a inhaler, but that hasn't done anything either...Mum said she's starting to feel the effects of it as well, at least 2 or more months of me suffering the pain, and now she's decided to 'act' on it and sort it out.
And 99.9% of the time, mum doesn't really care that much about me, she might argue with him, telling him that we're both miserable and sick of his shit, but she'll always go back to him in the end. He's cheating on her with some woman in work, and she's letting him... :/
Then there's other stuff too, i need ink for my printer so it'll let me scan my pictures, and i asked mum about ordering more ink either last week or the week before, and she said she would...So i left it up to her, and today she's only ordered them because SHE needs to use the scanner to scan something 'important'.
It's all about him, and i come to understand that more with everyday that passes.
She says when i go away that the only way to keep her sane is the dogs in the house to keep her company, but i know that all she really needs is him and him only.
She makes up stupid lies to keep me with her, which makes me even more miserable, and if it wasn't for my boyfriend, i would seriously be considering suicide.
I can't take living my life some days, and i do get close to harming myself at times....and my boyfriend is the only thing stopping me from doing it.
Times like these, i could do with some cuddles, but that usually makes me cry even harder...I don't know anymore really.
Sta.sh
19 year old, varied artist.
thankies 
<3
